“I am telling you people sue for the most foolish things nowadays and under the most bizarre circumstances. We all know of the fat people suing the fast food places, and the hot coffee on the lap cases, but take a look at a few more classic ones… One suit that made me, even as a female say ouch was the case of a Canadian tourist Edward Skwarek who has sued the Starbucks coffee chain for $1.5 million alleging that a highly personal part of his anatomy was crushed when it got caught between the toilet seat and bowl at a Manhattan Starbucks outlet. Skwarek was reportedly in a seated position on the commode. When he turned to retrieve the toilet paper, the seat shifted. As he leaned forward again the toilet seat clamped his penis. The 37- year-old Skwarek is asking for $1 million for what he describes as dire and permanent injuries to the affected organ. His wife Sherrie is also demanding $500 000 as compensation for depravation of his husbandly services.” — Barbados Advocate (Barbados)

It is hard to believe that this is not just another spurious lawsuit brought by an individual so shameless that to earn a few bucks he’d invent a tale of genital mutilation — and then, presumably, parade his purported mutilation in the public record, entering evidentiary pictures and medical testaments to its dysfunctionality. Probably this is some exhibitionistic freakoid who already had a penile problem, or perhaps it’s somebody who likes to get off on toilet seats. In fact, that’s the most likely explanation, since this cannot have been an accident. Do you know how small his penis would have to be to “accidentally” slip between the toilet seat and the rim? It’s much more reasonable to think that he slipped it in there himself, deliberately.

A few years back there was a dominatrix here in New York who had a client she called Poo Poo Johnny. This pathetic individual liked to relive his primal potty-training trauma in the local dungeons. He would sit on the pot and ask the dominatrix to mock and humiliate him. Apparently a sufficient amount of abuse would excite him. The dominatrix would squirt baby oil onto the rim of the toilet. Poo Poo Johnny would slip his member between the rim and the seat, and the dominatrix would exert downward pressure on the seat with her boot. In this way Poo Poo Johnny would achieve the “ultimate satisfaction.”

So maybe Poo Poo Johnny went broke paying the local sadists and decided to hit up the local Starbucks for some more “play dough” (as you call the funds you set aside for adventures in commercial sex). Probably he was rubbing himself between the seat and the rim when some poor teen wandered in with a mop, and so he invented the injury story as a way to save face. (It’s no contradiction to say that a guy who often paid to be humiliated would invent a story to save face. After all, he liked to be humiliated in a very specific fashion. Certainly he couldn’t ask the mop-wielding teen to spew the same epithets of abuse as a dominatrix would use.)

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