Anal Orgasm Monitor
“There exists a continuing need for new and improved anal orgasm monitor which can be used for determining the contradictions of an anal sphincter and associated muscles during an orgasm… It is further object of the present invention to provide a new and improved anal orgasm monitor which is of a safe, durable and reliable construction. An even further object of the present invention is to provide a new and improved anal orgasm monitor which is susceptible of a low cost of manufacture with regard to both materials and labor, and which accordingly are then susceptible of low prices of sale to the consuming public, thereby making such anal orgasm monitor economically available to the buying public.” — USPTO (US)
Basically a biometric butt plug, this device enables the user to take precise measurements of the contractions of the anus during orgasm — though for what purpose God only knows. There must be people for whom a finger just isn’t an accurate enough instrument for measuring these contractions. Maybe they need a feedback device: if you can see your anal contractions on a meter, perhaps it gives you reinforcement that enables you to build better orgasms. (This is pure speculation, of course.)
The illustrations of the device show a butt plug attached to wires, transducers, an IV bag, and a meter resembling an EKG. It looks like a strange S&M gadget, and it is hard not to suspect that that is what it really is: an anal torture device for sadistic sodomites. Probably the inventors were worried that their patent application would be considered frivolous if they described it as such, so they couched it in the language of science and called it an “anal orgasm monitor” instead. But why shouldn’t the USPTO accept patent requests for innovative methods of bondage and sodomy? After all, there are already an astonishing number of patents for dildos, erection aids, and aphrodisiacs. As S&M culture continues to go mainstream, no doubt lubricious inventors will begin to receive patents for gadgets that torture and gizmos that titillate.
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